World's Greatest Criminal Cat
is a song. Lyrics Kittypaws: (Laughs evilly) From the brain that brought you the Big Ben Caper The head that made headlines in every newspaper And wondrous things like the Tower Bridge Job That cunning display that made Londoners sob Now comes the real tour de force Tricky and wicked, of course My earlier crimes were fine for their times But now that I'm at it again An even grimmer plot has been simmering In my great criminal brain Thugs: Even meaner? You mean it? Worse than the widows and orphans you drowned? You're the best of the worst around Oh, Kittypaws Oh, Kittypaws The rest fall behind To Kittypaws To Kittypaws The world's greatest criminal mind! (Song temporarily pauses) Kittypaws: (Playing harp) Thank you, thank you... but it hasn't all been champaigne and caviar. I've had my share of adversity thanks to that miserable, second-rate detective, Basil of Baker Street! Thugs: (Various boos) Kittypaws: (Overly dramatic) For years, that insufferable pipsqueak has interfered with my plans! I haven't had a moment's peace of mind. Thugs: (Various sympathetic aws) Bartholomew: (Cries) Kittypaws: (Tone becomes hostile) But all that's in the past! This time, nothing, not even Coal can stand in my way! (Thugs bow to him) All will bow before me! (Song resumes) Thugs: Oh, Kittypaws Oh, Kittypaws You're tops and that's that To Kittypaws To Kittypaws Bartholomew: (Clearly drunk) To Kittypaws, the world's greatest cat! (Hiccups) (Song temporarily stops) Kittypaws: (Spits out drink in shock) Thugs: (Gasp) Kittypaws: What was THAT!? Bartholomew: (Hiccups) Kittypaws: What did you call me? Bartholomew: (Opens mouth to say something) Thug #1: Oh, he didn't mean it, Professor! Yoshi: It was just a slip of the tongue! Kittypaws: (Angrily) I am NOT a leopard! Thug #2: 'Course you're not! You're a cat! Thug #1: Yeah, that's right; right, a cat! Bill the Lizard: Yeah, a big mouse! Kittypaws: SILENCE! (Throws Bartholomew outside; speaks in dramatic tone) Oh, my dear Bartholomew, I'm afraid that you've gone and upset me. (Tone becomes hostile; pulls bell out of pocket) You know what happens when someone upsets me... (Rings bell) Thugs: (Cries of shock as death bell rings) Felicia: (Steps into room; walks towards Bartholomew) Bartholomew: (Unaware he's about to die; begins singing) Oh, Ratigan Oh, Kittypaws You're the tops and that's that. (Hiccups; speaking) Oh, dear (Resumes singing) To Kittypaws To Kittypaws Thugs: (Cries of fear) Purry: (Has been grabbed by Milo, but is still unaware) To Kittypaws The world's greatest... (gets eaten) Milo: (hisses) Thugs: (Mourn fall of their friend) Kittypaws: (Lovingly) Oh, Felicia, my precious, my baby. Did Daddy's little honey-bun enjoy her tasty treat? Milo: (Belches) Ratigan: (Evil smile turns into frown; walks back inside) I trust there shall be no further interruptions. And now, as you were singing...? Thugs: (Hesitate to singing until Ratigan pulls his bell back out) (Song resumes) Thugs: Even louder Lets shout it! No one can doubt what we know you can do You're more evil than even you Oh, Kittypaws Oh, Kittypaws You're one of a kind To Kittypaws To Kittypaws The world's greatest criminal mind!